he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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