I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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