i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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