be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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