i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
