Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
