I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
