Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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