im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
