Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
