I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm getting married
To pizza
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
