I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
