my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
