what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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