Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
