The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
