bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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