Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
