you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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