You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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