i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
