the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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