I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
