he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You took a bar mat shot.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
