mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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