I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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