You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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