So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
