All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
