my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
