If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
