I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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