I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
