My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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