I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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