Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
