woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
