he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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