That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
