Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
