I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
