We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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