This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
