he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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