He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
