I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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