The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
