You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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