I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
