The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
my poor anus
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
