I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i will never coherently bang her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
