Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
