I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
