No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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