i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it because I queefed?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
