Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
