Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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