DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
