I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You took a bar mat shot.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
