I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
