I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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