I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
