Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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