I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
